Numerous studies show that managing money can be the most divisive issue between couples, whether married or living together. One might be a spender; the other, a saver. Those opposing ideas of money can make finance one of the most difficult and potentially explosive topics for couples to discuss, leading to disharmony over spending.
“Talking about money doesn’t come naturally,” says Jane Honeck, author of “The Problem With Money? It’s Not About the Money!” “Even though most people’s parents talked to them about money, few parents teach their children about the beliefs and values of money management.”
“When we come together as a couple, we arrive from different money perspectives. … At the end of the day, money communication is difficult and leads to more challenging money issues,” Honeck says.
That is particularly true when it comes to how couples deal with arguments over money. Fighting fair is the recipe to coming out of a money argument in 1 piece, yet many people don’t do it.
To manage money, couples must understand each other’s ideas about finances. While money doesn’t buy happiness, there is a strong correlation between happiness and “the degree to which our financial decisions and behavioral choices are in alignment with our deepest values,” says Susan Buniva, a therapist in Richmond, Virginia.
“For couples, it is a process of discovery, both individually and collectively, that allows us to live with more synchronicity and happiness,” she says.
To see a complete view of the financial world from your partner’s viewpoint, ask open-ended questions, says Lynn Ballou, managing partner of Ballou Plum Wealth Advisors LLC in Lafayette, California. She recommends asking questions like:
- How did your parents handle money?
- How are your siblings dealing with money and saving?
- Do friends and family ask you for loans? If so, how do you respond?
- Do you ask family and friends for money?
- How did you begin your independent financial life?
- When did you start paying your own bills?
- Did you ever run into trouble with debt?
- How do you define “needs” versus “wants”?
- Do you use cash, credit cards or checks?
- How often do you sit down and review your circumstances against the financial vision you have for your life?
When couples come to Honeck for money coaching, she starts by talking about their personal ideas about money management. She asks them to talk about how money was used in their parents’ home and the financial ideas they were taught or observed as children.
But simply talking about each other’s history may not be enough. “Ask a lot of questions of each other about why you have the history and habits you have,” Ballou says.
If these conversations reveal that you and your partner aren’t compatible in dealing with money, consider reaching out to a financial counselor. “Once there is respect, acceptance and the ability to work as a team, then it’s a matter of deciding if you are in agreement about where you are going,” Ballou says.
Debt counseling may be a good option if you and your significant other continually find yourselves in situations like this: You both have a lot of credit card debt. One of you wants to open a new account and consolidate the amount on 1 card at a lower interest rate. But the other person would rather set up a strict budget and make monthly payments on the cards.
